#Twittersilence, and why I think we should be making more noise.

Yesterday on twitter, in response to an arrest in a case where someone was raped after being stalked on Twitter, someone suggested to Maureen Johnson that today be a day of silence to protest the lack of action in prosecution of all those abused on the internet.  They are also trying to write some press releases in hopes that the media notices they were being quiet today.

I was going to join in, but I have spent far too many therapy sessions working through how much it sucks not to be heard to do it. 

The problem with staying silent, is that is what the attackers, abusers, and molesters want.  Now, I know you are saying "Hope, should you really be putting internet trolls in the same class as abusers and rapists?"  Yes, and no, I suppose.  You see, lots of  people have been physically harmed by being stalked on the internet.  Others have had their home lives, personal lives, and general safety ruined by threats made outside of the internet.  Melissa Anelli is a good example of what happens when internet stalking turns real.

I also think we can take this opportunity to speak up about bullying, and abuse in general.  So often, we get beat down by our abusers, bullies, and trolls, that we see speaking up as a way of pushing them to hurt us more.  This is one thing I can say I have experienced first hand.  Rather than seeking out help by screaming until someone acts, we crawl into ourselves, and try to become as inconspicuous as possible so that, maybe, just maybe, our aggressors won't notice us that day.  By doing this, we subject ourselves to living every day in fear, never knowing when the next attack is going to happen.  

It has to stop.

I'm a mom of four awesome kids; three, strong, resilient, and beautiful daughters, and a sweet, amazingly compassionate son.  As far as I know, their experience with bullying and abuse has been very limited.  The encounters that I have heard about have been easily defused, and short lived.  

Thank goodness for that.

The problem is that, as they get older, and are more often not in my direct supervision, I know the chance that someone could abuse them becomes exponentially higher.  Now, I'm not saying people are bad. On the contrary, most of the people I have encountered in this life, are inherently good.  I honestly believe most are. The problem comes when they encounter one that isn't.  I can't delude myself into thinking that it will never happen, and I refuse to let them, or anyone else's child, be subjected to the abuse that I was, that caused me to turn into myself for so long.  

The thought of one of my children being hurt in such a way that they think they are worthless, not wanted, or generally believe things would be better if they didn't exist, like I once did, sends me into a full blown panic attack. 

Frankly, it should you, as well.  Even if you aren't a parent, the thought of ANY CHILD, ADULT, OR OTHER HUMAN BEING HARMED IN ANY WAY, should upset you.  It should make you want to take action.  It should make you want to speak up. 

Did you hear me? I said, IT SHOULD MAKE YOU WANT TO SPEAK UP!  You should feel compelled to stand in a densely populated area, and scream until someone pays attention to you.  If no one hears you, or takes action (as has also happened to me), you need to move to a different group of people, and continue screaming in the hopes that they pay attention.  You may have to scream yourself horse.  You may anger, or alienate some people who don't want to get involved, or don't believe you. KEEP SCREAMING.   

Your abusers will only stop their abuse when they are forcibly stopped.  You may get a reprieve when they become scared they will get caught, but that won't last.  Once they figure out that they can't be watched all the the time, the abuse will start again. YOU HAVE TO KEEP SCREAMING.

Even if you have only been assaulted once, via rape, beatings, muggings, or someone saying something incredibly hateful about who you are, you have to speak up.  Those words, thoughts, and actions will become your inner dialog, and you will believe that the assault was your fault. This can lead to depression, self harm, substance abuse, or even suicide.  You must understand that abuse is NEVER YOUR FAULT!!! The only person at fault if someone is being harmed, is the person doing the harmful thing.  You don't have to put up with it.  Your life doesn't have to be lived this way.  YOU CAN MAKE IT STOP.

I know today is supposed to be a day of #twittersilence, but I can't sit by and not say something.  This subject is far to important to me to sit idly by, and not speak out.  The thing is, we all need to speak out.  We all need to stand up for the ones that can't find their voice, and do something to stop the abuse, assaults, rapes, and bullying, that seems to go on far too often.  We should be tweeting (Facebooking, tumblring, google+-ing, you tubing... you get the point) links to help for those feeling suicidal.  We should be appealing to the different social media sites to make their abuse links more accessible.  We should be informing people of  the shelters in their areas that will help you out of an abusive relationship.  We need to set up anti-bullying clubs in our schools, with peer advocates, to help our children. We need to prosecute rapists, and protect the victims and their families from abuse at the hands of the aggressors. We need a comprehensive mental health system in this country that will treat the abused without stigma, so they will realize they are loved, worth it, and don't have to continue to be abused.  We need that same system to treat the potential abusers, before they start abusing.  

One of my favorite authors wrote a book about a girl who was abused, who lost her voice.  Speak was a good example of what happens when no one does the right thing, and how standing up for yourself, while hard, has to be done, even if no one listens.  

So, I'm saying no to #twittersilence.  Instead, I want to stand up for the abused, the bullied, the tormented, the beaten, and the hopeless.   I want to scream from the rooftops the importance of speaking out.  I want to draw attention to the abuse, and the abusers, and get something done.  I want it to stop.  I want the different and misunderstood to be safe.  I want the children to retain their innocence.  I want timid and meek to become strong.  I want SPEAK UP.

If you are being abused, bullied, staked, beaten, threatened, or just plain don't feel safe, there are resources, and people who care. Please, please, don't give up.  Talk to someone.  Talk to everyone.  Speak up, and speak out.  If no one listens, find someone who will.  You don't have to live this way.  You are loved.  You are important.  You are worth so much more.

National suicide hotlines: 1-800-SUICIDE or 1-800-273-TALK

Born this way foundation: http://bornthiswayfoundation.org/help

Trevor project: http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Prevent child abuse: http://www.preventchildabuse.org/index.php

Bullying prevention: http://www.stopbullying.gov/

Rape, abuse, and incest national network: http://www.rainn.org/get-help/help-a-loved-one

Dating abuse information: http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/teens-and-dating-abuse/

Domestic violence help for men and women: http://www.dahmw.org/

Gay and lesbian help: http://www.itgetsbetter.org/

There are probably many more places to get help, but those are the once I could find right away.  Please, please, STAND UP AND SPEAK OUT.  Get help.  Don't sit in silence. 

Ohio school shooting.

I have been watching the news the past couple of days concerning the school shooting in Ohio with sadness and fear.  When I watch the news, sometimes I forget my kids are old enough to watch it too, and understand a lot of what they see.  Last night Annie reminded me.

She was standing in the living room with Russell and me after dinner, trying to plan for the rest of the evening when the story came on.  I could see her reaction brewing on her face, and my heart started racing because of her fear.

She asked me if that could ever happen in Wabash.  Now, I am not in the habit of scaring my kids to prove a point.  I think there other ways to teach them about the problems and horrors the world could throw at them, and still keep them safely informed.  Last night, I am pretty sure I scared her.

I told her (and her dad told her too) that something like that has a small chance of happening in our mostly quiet little town, but there was no promise it wouldn't.  We told her to always keep her phone on her, which she said she did anyway, and if someone ever started threatening the class and she had no where to run, to hide.  We explained that in this case, hiding was her best option to stay alive and unharmed.  We told her to pick a good spot, quickly, out of the line of sight of the aggressor, and to stay as quiet as possible while calling 911.  She agreed, and really took us seriously.

After she left the room, I really started to feel horrible for having scared her that way.  Russ and I talked about it, and he made me understand that it was a necessary evil.  At the time, I accepted it and went about my business. Today, though, I don't want to accept it.  It sickens me to think I have to worry about my kid being shot and killed at school. 

I understand that the people who commit these crimes are usually pushed to a point of no return by a bad home life, or a mental imbalance.  Sometimes, and this might be one of those cases, it is due to bullying. 

Parents, I really think we need to take responsibility for this bullying epidemic.  No one wants to admit their kid isn't fitting in anywhere and is the target of being bullied anymore than we want to admit our kid is a bully, but with our kids we have to put our pride on the back burner.  We need to remind our kids to come to us when someone is treating them in ways they don't approve of, and to take action when no on else will. 

We also need to humble ourselves and properly discipline or get help for kids who are harming others.  Kids don't bully just for the joy of doing it, they do it because something isn't right in their lives.  It is our job to fix it.

I don't want this to come across as blaming anyone for the Ohio shooting.  Sometimes, these things just can't be stopped before they spiral out of control.  I sincerely send my thoughts, prayers, and well wishes to everyone there while they try to heal from this tragedy.  Honestly, I hope this is the last time we ever have to hear about something like this, and the advice I had to give my daughter goes unused and forgotten long after her grandchildren have children.  I just think we, as parents need to talk with our kids about this and try and make them understand the importance of preparedness. 

We also need to remind them that it is not OK for anyone, anytime, anywhere, to treat them like they are less than a person.  No one should harm them with words or with physical violence.  The kids need to start at the school, and try to fix the situation by telling a trusted adult.  If there is no one willing to help them, they need to tell us so we can do whatever it takes to get it stopped, and repair the damage before it's too late. 

Again, my thoughts and prayers got out to all those in Ohio today.